November 4, 2020

“I don’t believe it!” cried 45-year-old Oak Parker George Shure when he was informed by local government officials that he was the only one to vote in Tuesday’s general election in the entire state of Illinois.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” said Shure. “I’ve heard people say that a vote in Illinois doesn’t really count because of how consistently blue the state is, but I never thought it would come to this.”

After a 2016 general election which had roughly 43% of eligible voters not bother filling out a ballot, Illinois’ 2020 general election marks a new low in voter turnout, with Shure as the lone voter.

Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker and Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot among all other Illinois residents not to cast a vote Tuesday.

“I’ve had a lot of work on my hands recently and didn’t really love either of the candidates, so I decided to sit this one out,” said Pritzker. 

“I, as all other Illinois residents, believed this election was surely going to be a win for the Democratic candidate,” said Lightfoot.

Oddly enough, Shure didn’t even vote for one of the eligible candidates, having written in Bears linebacker Khalil Mack. “I thought it would be something I could joke with my friends about,” said Shure. “Turns out none of them even voted.”